::whoa...been a long long while since i last posted smth here on this blog of mine...i think it hasn't changed it's design since like eons ago..but then again..who cares..no one reads it anyway..hahaz

JOB HUNTS ARE SHIT...it's totally difficult to find a job nowadays...even the job agencies are like giving up on the job market..haha..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 3:41 PM:.
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::omg..i feel so sinful..i should be studying for price and market now..but i am here logging..

but there are really alot of stuffs that i want to talk abt..

drunkards dun say the truth..they only say things that they have alwasy wanted to share..but no one listens and understands them when they are sober..that sorts of explains why i have been trying to get myself drunk i guess...but there's always no one to out last me nowadays..

i recently told a fren...i lost my drive to really go heads over heels for a girl..i am starting to put a logical sense into relationships which is most of the times..illogical..

how can an asshole as a bf convince a girl that he still loves her..haha..makes me wonder too..

that was a very good example as to how illogical love can be...and i simply wonder how was that possible in the first place..

being nice to people makes u feel like u are a fool..and people will start treating u like one too..

someone shared this phrase to me b4.. "always underpromise and over perform"

kinda true huh.. like "be an asshole..when u do something nice once in a long long while..people says that u are nice"
OR
"be nice and when u are constantly nice, u will be taken for granted"

sometimes..i rather be the asshole..it's too tiring to be nice to people..what's the point..no one appreciates..

or maybe it's like "nice people dun last..assholes do" hahaz..

whatever it is..there seems to be more pro than cons in being an asshole nowadays..lols

okok..enuff of the anal breed of people..

i think this is the first post in like dinkey years that i didn't curse and swear..so let's savour this moment b4 it goes away and the normal explelative filled posts comes back.. lols..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 3:48 PM:.
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::i think i may need a shrink...i dunno..i think i am going crazy..

recently i have been getting very pissed at the slightest stuffs...especially when it comes to relationship stuffs...

me being single for this long...may be already bad enuff...but i keep hearing ppl talk to me abt their break ups...and what they think their partners did wrong..and bla bla bla...so on and so forth..

i am ok to listening to you and offering advice as a fren..but please be sensitive to how i would feel...

i dun need to know which girl u are meeting..what u did with her..what happened or whatsoever...

i am happy for you that u think u are doing well..but i am not..please dun attempt to rub it in..and i know that u didn't do it on purpose..but i just hope that i dun need to know..

this is just an emotional outburst here yet again..it means nth..i just need to talk to someone who listens and maybe who understand how i feel...cause i realise that my frens..dun really listen..most of the times...cause they have their own problems and they are too busy to care..which i can understand..

sometimes i think it's because i am too free...that i go ard poking my nose into ppl's business..cause i got no other commitments other than myself..i start to think that ppl take me for granted at times..

i know that i might not be a good fren..always bitching abt stuffs, ppl, and whatever..i get angry easily for the slightest of whatever..but i really dun want this..

i may appear to be very peety abt issues..but recetnly i am just unable to control how i feel..

every night i come home..i just dun feel good...i dun want to be alone..but it seems that it's unavoidable...i am losing my self..deeper..into the abyss of depression..

i want to push myself on..but i seriously cannot find any motivation to go on anymore..i cannot possibly move on at this rate...

sometimes i really feel like giving everything up..cause there's no point in me doing so much for ppl and ppl dun realise it..i seriously feel like fuck now..

i am losing my strength to move forward..and it's like a free fall into sadness now..back to where i was a couple of years back..which i dun want to..

i feel like crying..but there's no tears..how i wish i could just cry everything out and just let everything go..it's really upsetting to be like this..it is..

so if anyone reads this..

i am sorry if u thik that it's you that i am talking abt..but dun worry..it's not you at all...

everything i wrote here today..is all abt me..and only me..

Screw life..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 4:46 PM:.
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::if u are reading what i am writing in this post..u can just ignore it...i am talking to my blog..i will be alright after this..

My V day post..(and it's not going to be pleasant)

Suddenly had another outburst of frustration...feeling pissed over every little thing..that's happening or not happening..

ARGH~~~~

I am so tired of being alone..not really in a relationship sense..but still...it sucks..

there are alot of things that i am keeping to myself..which i cannot tell anyone...cause no one will ever listen to me..even if they do...most of the time..they dun really care..

it sucks ok..it really sucks..to have no one to talk to..that i have to talk to this ever listening pathetic blog of mine...

as much as i hate to bottle things up..but there's no other avenue but to do that..

it's so much easier if i could cry the problems away..but i can't seem to cry..awake or drunk..

grrr...it's just sucky..plain sucky..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 6:51 PM:.
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::haven't been posting for a month..so here it goes..

got a new job...working in that office is certainly not easy..not alot of ppl to talk to..

it's always work work work...people there..work like crazy..and i am gg crazy..not becos got alot of work...but just tired of the place..i dunno why..

starting to realise..that life is really sucky..as it goes by..just when i tot it had picked up or something..

i dunno..i just hope it gets better after the chinese new year...seriously hope so.. =)

i dunno if it's me or what...i just can't get things to fall into place in my own life..sometimes i sit down..think abt myself..and the things that are happening ard me..and it seems like i am almost forgotten in this tiny world..

it's not like i want to be remembered by everyone..but it's just upsetting to know that it's like that..

i am starting to lose interest in alot of things recently...or maybe i just have no mood for it..

ARGH!!!!!::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 11:30 PM:.
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::yeap..back here in the middle of the night..

really bored caus i really got nth to do...

can i can't get to sleep..that;s the worse thing that can ever happen to a person i guess..

recently has been a period of ups and downs..

not very easy..but still surviving well..

if anyone is reading this..i am OK(i think)....

argh..going crazy from the silence that i am getting from the employers that i had approached..

it's so stupid to be out of a job..hahaz..

cause it's a waste of time..and waste of money..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 1:30 AM:.
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::never realised that being on leave is so boring..

spent the last two working days clearing my leave...i must say..it's really boring..

can't seem to find anything to do...can't seem to find ppl to even talk to...

watched Madagascar today at yishun GV...it's funny..but alot of kids in the theater very noisy..

plus somemore i was alone..laughed out loud also like a idiot like that..

got to start getting used to life like these...then maybe i can feel abit better..

i dunno..but should try to start to do things on my own..see if it's better...

meanwhile..back to work..hopefully i get the extension..if not convert back to temp..see hwo it goes bahz...::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 10:00 PM:.
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::had a i dunno what to say weekend...

haiz..yet another one has past me by..

looing forward to the many more to come along..hahaz..

had sort of a heart to heart talk to my pals on friday night..

didn't manage to sort anyhting out..cause i dun think they understand a single bit of what i was trying to say..

i know there's alot more ppl out there somewhere who's either feeling the same way as me..or even worse..but my point is..i hope that it turns better..

or is it that i ma super not understanding to my frens that they have their own life to lead..

i also have my own like...and it's made up of them..all along it's ike that..when they needed someone..i was there..when i needed someone..i dun even know who will be ard..

maybe it's just my take on relationships is totally different to them..maybe their partners are more impt than anything else...and i dun really agree on that point..that's what making me feel miserable..

i dun understand how ppl can live with one person..and that one person alone...

true..i agree if i have a gf one day..i will give priority to her..but still..my frens are as impt..all along i have been like that...

maybe i dun make a good bf..but it seems that now..i dun even make a good fren to my frens..

that's pretty fucked up huh..i think i have to agree..

i am sick of all the stuffs that didn't materialise when ppl say that they will do it..

i am sick..so sick..of dunno whatever that seems to pissed me off now..


argh!!!!::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 11:36 PM:.
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::haven't got alot of time these past weeks to write somehting here..

dunno why..but i just feel like posting something here tonight...

need someone to rant to..but no one to listen...so here it goes to my blog..hehe

i feel lost..yet again..i just can't seem to find any direction in anything i do recently..or i should say i losing my drive for alot of stuffs..

why? i also dunno...

i miss my frens..all of them..but it seems that we dun talk that much anymore..i dun even know if they know that i am still ard..

i suddenly miss my army life..which alot of ppl says that i am crazy..

i seriously believe that i am someone who loves power...and i am someone who's power-driven..

i like the authority i had over my trainees when i was in camp..i love being called platoon sergeant..i love being the one whom ppl says yes to me..

it's not that i dun like my life now and i simply love army life..i just miss the feeling of what i mentioned above..therefore..i got to work hard in life..be who i want to be i guess...

haiz haiz haiz..

i hate to be feeling fucked up..but i still feel this way..why why why??

someone tell me..pls...

gonna go crazy soon..

=X::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 10:54 PM:.
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::shitty day day again..

shitty feelings again..

it sucks to be like this..

are u trying to keep a distance from me?

i guess so too..

it's not easy to try to get closer...but i'm trying...

but it's seems to be repelling me everytime i try..

it sucks..

it really sucks..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 9:55 PM:.
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::shifted office to MT today..damn sianz..went to work..didn't have a very good start..then in the middle was not that bad..but towards the part when moving to MT was pretty pissed...

then reach MT..waited and waited and waited...dunno for what...waste of time..

then of all ppl..let me meet that stupid person..talk also dunno how to use brain..totally pissed me off..but she was really lucky that i am not in the army anymore..

haiz..

alot of ups and downs lately again..

i feel contented to just see her and talk to her..but i think she doesn't feel that way..met her yest..she looked very bored thruout the whole time..then today i texted her..she also like no replies back at all..

i must admit it's pretty upsetting..but then i dun really have much choice...do i??

she's out tonite again..and i can pretty guess where she'll end up in the end..i dunno what to do abt it...or am i really like what my fren said...i'm fighting a losing battle..sianz...

monday will be the start of the super super boring office routine with the worst people sitting right near me..must think of a way to keep out of her sight...grr..

i have started to cut down on my smoking and maybe eventually quit...and i'm trying...and if u dunno anything..dun judge me b4 u do..cause it's not going to help me at all..

alright...pretty sianz and tired..dun feel like writing already too..the tot of everything upsets me..need to stay happy..so i can really try try try to cut down on smoking..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 11:23 PM:.
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::wah..time to come and share my stories again...


feeling upside down lately..

i met this girl..initially wasn't very close but until one day we got to know each other better..then i realised that i actually start to like her..but stupidly stupidly i told her abt it..then she told me some stuffs that weren't very encouragin..and it hurts..

so fucked up..but then again..i really dunno what to do..it's been a really really very long while that i had felt this way...

will there be a fairy tale ending this time round?::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 1:15 PM:.
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::i manage to link my account up with the the old blog..haha...

dman sianz...

anothere uneventful day in the office..

tml will be a good day...(according to calvin who keeps talking nonsense in the office abt me and the the mian bao chao ren)

okok...going to bed..tml going to work..

3 more weeks to pay day..so gonna starve...::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 11:30 PM:.

::it's a bloody new beginning to my blogging life..

life is still as fucked up as the last tiem which i posted..which was like ard 2-3 yrs ago??hhahaz..

seems like certain things dun change in life..

alot of ups and downs...alot of screw up..alot of fun times..but still..good things actually dun last at all..and that's left behind are the lousy stuffs that ppl dun wanna remember..

i feeling so fucked up now..i really really got a problem...especially my social life...i'm losing control of everything..think i am going crazy soon..
i cna't seem to make any new frens with any meaning..and my good old frens of the past are all missing..

is it really like what ppl always say..frens will always move along when time passes you by..but i dun wanna be like that...

i love my frens..i certainly hope that they do so too...but recently..alot of things happen..and in particular..i am very upset abt that particular incident..and it is still bugging me..i nvr realises that a minor change in a person's life could have such a drastic effect on me..

am i weak??or am i just useless..or it's just that our frenship weren't built to last in the first place..or is it that i am just being selfish and want everyone ard me to be the same as me..i seriously dunno..i am feeling so fucked now..

can someone wake me up..properly..and live my life with a purpose??

i am just typing randomly now..whatever that comes to my mind i just type..

i am so tired of life..i wanna let go of everything..but it's impossible..there are alot of things that i want and and haven't acheieved yet..ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

i feel like a useless freak..a fucking useless freak..especially after i ord..there's no more excuses to make for myself..for being so lonely..feeling so unwanted..feeling so fucked...

fuck the fuck up stuffs in my life..i want a new beginning which i should have..

fuck everything..

fuck whatever that goes wrong..

fuck my work

fuck the world

fuck whatever..

i'm tired..i dun feel like moving on anymore...

save me...::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 11:14 PM:.
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::haiz..life has not been really ok recently..fucked up days accumulated together will give u a fucked up life..

the inability of letting go has caused my life to have stalled over the past few months..i start to feel like i have been dead ever since last oct..and i am leading a life wandering in the wilderness..without knowing what to aim for and what's there to look forward to as well..i'm living my life just because it's not ending..but i also haven't tot of ending it as well..so dun worry..i wun kill myself..dun wanna go to the wrong place after i pass on from this world..

i am like a sailor without a captain in the middle of a storm in the ocean..i dunno wat to do abt my life..and i have no one to turn to for help most of the times..thinking back about my days...i must have really been a loser..

i dun make any sense of watever is happening ard me..

i am in such a mess that i cannot even explain myself..

i just feel that i wanna find a hole and hide myself..

show me some light in my road if there is really a saviour ard..

i feel so fucked...::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 4:16 AM:.
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::i am back..blogging..

been busy working nowadays...average 5 days a week..though i would not say i am really very happy..but i am very comfortable working at chinaone..just hopes it gets better as days goes by..

personally..recently have been deprived of personal time...no time to catch up with friends..seems like i am losing them..never hear from all my buddies anymore..kinda miss them..hope we will be able to go out soon..

emotionally..i am still empty..though i want to fill up the void..but i think i am stuck at this for the moment...what to do..maybe this is just the outcome that is going to stay for me now..

sometimes i really feel fucked up..it's like one of my worst period of time in years..

just feeling fucked..so just ignore me..

anyway to all my frens..i do visit my own blog..tag at my cbox..i wll reply..though i seldom post nowadays..it's not a dead blog..so hopw to see your msgs soon...::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 4:07 AM:.
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::been ages since i long posted anything here..ever since i changed to this blogskin...hahaz...

life's has been like usual..nth much to talk abt...but looking at my frens departing to tekong one by one ahead of me..sort of sianz lahz..cause i am the last one..

finally got a job..it's at chinaone...if u guys dunno where..it's at clarke quay block 3E second floor..which is directly above the TCC at clarke quay...come visit me when u guys are free bahz..working as a server there no free drinks but the place is really cool...this is the first time i start working at a place and got to make so much frens in a very short while...the peeps working over there are really fun to work with and it's really comfortable to talk to them..so to conclude..it's really very fun and nice working there..despite the late working hours and the long draggy transport home..hahaz..

seems to be losing contact with everyone nowadays...msn has been really quiet and stuffs like that..not much people to talk to..dunno why...but just like that loh..hope everything picks up soon...

and ya..after a whole two years with life in NPSU...i have finally stepped down from my presidency of NPSU..sort of a relief..but then again for the rest..i dunno for them...i missed my time in ngee ann..in the union office..and i heard that there are going to be a few more policies to be implemented soon..so good luck to all my frens whom are so used to the office..so sorry that i am not there anymore..u all take care ya..

ok lahz..nth much to write abt le..still stoning..reached home at 7 in the morning..after going to bar none with the peeps from chinaone..alright..take care peeps..remember to tag..if u are here..hahaz..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 5:27 PM:.
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::hi..been a while since i posted..

eventful holidays..
lots of stuffs happened..
happy and unhappy stuffs..
dunno wat i did to piss ppl off..and ppl dunno what they did to piss me off..
contradicting stuffs all the time..
just hope that if there are things that ppl are not happy abt me..talk to me directly..need not talk abt me to other ppl..
but i cannot choose what ppl want to do..so just let it be..
changed a new blog skin..
looks better than the previous one..
just sorry to that someone whom i am really sorry abt..but things just din turn out fine..
not that i din want to talk to u abt it..but really had no chance and someone has to tell you stuffs..which i dunno abt wat it is..
anyway..to conclude..though i had fun.but it was still sort of fucked up holidays up to now for me..
but i still miss the peeps from camp..thank you for Atlantis..thank you for all that memories..

i'm not a saint..dun expect too much unless u are one who has nvr committed mistakes..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 4:45 PM:.
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::Haven been blogging fro a very long time already..guess the readers here have all given up hope of me posting anything already…hahaz…be patient peeps..the update is here..

Time really flies..last Friday marked the end to my study life as I completed my last ever paper in ngee ann…thinking back..it was really one experience that I would really cherish..alot of true frens made..lots of knowledge gained,lots of personal experiences and not forgetting the new interests picked up..

Never in my life that I think that after failing my o levels that I will find fun in my poly life without my sec sch buddies who are all a year ahead of me in poly already…but I was wrong..i attended FOC camp in my freshie year and that might just be one of the best decision in my life.. I made lotsa frens from my Romans blue group..including Sham,Candace,Yi Ying,Amber,Jeremy tan, Sophia,han lun and lots of other many interesting people. School started shortly after the camp, was close to my FOC frens initially but eventually we lost touch after each of us got busy with school..but I din really manged to click with m classmates initially so actually for the first part of my first year,I was practically a loner who just goes to school and home. But I joined rugby shortly with my classmate and I got hooked to the game..hahaz..made a few frens in rugby too..but I wasn;t really committed to it..but who does in the team at that point of time??hahaz..

Then came my second FOC camp..as a GL..it was certainly fun..with my Dh..Rhino..hahaz..which after that I joined the yishun kia gang..with adam and andy…made a lot of new frens in the second camp..and because of the camp, it sparked my interest in the work of the union and eventually I ran for elections for the Students’ union and eventually I got the seat in my first attempt. Project chairmen I became.and Hopnite was my event. It went on smoothly although there were bumps and blips on the way..i managed to sort out all problems thanks to my committee members who are reall understanding and efficient..

My third camp came before my event..in the third camp..i was the DH for Spartans..and I really enjoyed the camp thoroughly..although I had more work to do this time round..hahaz..made a lot of new frens and got to know my juniors better..and made a lot more freshies frens compared to my one when I was a GL though…

Then came the time for my second term in the union..i ran for elections again and this time I got in again..and was elected president this time round..became really busy and eventually had gave up a lot of things for the union..but just that ppl at times wun understand the stuffs that I go througn…but still..i enjoyed my time as the president of the union..

It was until my third year that I got closer to my classmates..and I realized that we actually can hang out together and have fun..with hong ting,sam,celine and me,,with mingyi. Ah guan and the rest..it;s really fun..rugby in my last year also had progressed a lot..nvr will I think I will given the captaincy for at least a game..and n the end..i was captain for the day..though it might not be much to anyone else..but it’s really cool to captain..able to lead a team out onto the field..

Now..the end has come..i dunno but I really feel that this has been the best three years of my education life.. with real frens made,fell in and out of love..learnt a lot abt life and ways of handling stuffs..truly..poly really let ppl learn a lot of stuffs other than school work..

I will miss all of you out there in ngee ann and I will leave the poly with all my tots on all of you and hope that u guys miss me too..

Keep in contact peeps…::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 2:48 AM:.
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::another 13th day of the month..

fucked up weekend..::

.:Ah Hao blogged on 2:55 AM:.
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